To Be Yourself Or Not To Be Yourself

Don't Talk to Strangers.
Eat Your Fruits and Veggies.
Stop, Drop, and Roll.
Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street.
If You Can't Say Something Nice, Don't Say Anything At All.
Remember the Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Treat Others as You Would Want to be Treated.

As children we are taught many things above and beyond addition and subtraction. There are certain lessons we were all instilled with, until they become part of our very worldview and means of approaching our lives.

One of the primary examples is very simple: Be Yourself.

We were inundated with the sense that we should not conform for the sake of winning others' approval. We should not be afraid of what others think. We should never try to change ourselves for someone else. So basically, we don't need to adhere to social norms if we believe they're wrong. Right?

There's just one problem I have with this easy, feelgood moral. There is a word for people who don't adhere to social norms: they are called psychopaths.

The technical term for this is Antisocial Personality Disorder: these are people who frequently infringe on the rights of others in very real ways. They are your classic serial killers or CEOs who rob their company of millions of dollars-- they are cruel and vicious and feel no remorse. Social norms mean little to them.

There are some theories as to how this may come about. In normative development (i.e. the way it's supposed to go), we experiment and test the boundaries of behavior. When we act badly, we are punished, either directly, by a parent or teacher, or indirectly, by being alienated from social groups. We develop a sense of what is "normal" in society, and through this, we are accepted by our peers. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder may be less able to undergo this type of conditioning: something about their biochemistry is prohibiting them from anticipating the consequences of their behavior, or of seeing the effect their actions may be having on others. As a result of this, they never develop a sense of what is right or wrong in their environment: they never develop a conscience. In actuality, these people are only interested in being themselves, and have no sense that there might be something very misguided about that.

Where I'm going with all this is that people need to conform, to some extent. There are many reasons why, among them being that conformity promotes friendship, and the acceptance of our peers is important for our mental health. We need social bonds in order to develop well emotionally and to have good self esteem. But mostly-- and here's my primary thesis-- people need to act a certain way so society can run. It is one of the most basic tenets of a working civilization: that the individuals therein follow an implicit social contract of how to behave and interact with one another. When individuals have no regard for others' thoughts and opinions, in less severe cases, we get those people who have no courtesy, tact, or sense of social grace. They are obnoxious and sometimes offensive, but it doesn't usually go beyond that. It is in the more extreme cases that we get liars, cheaters, abusers, and psychopaths: those people who undermine the fabric of society.

While I certainly don't condone mindless, sheeplike behavior, and I will always argue that people should think for themselves above all else, I believe that conformity gets a pretty bad rap. We need to care what others think of us, so that we can remain decent human beings. A wise friend of mine once told me that "The human mind, when left to its own devices, is a dangerous thing". So true. We need others to keep us in line, as our system of checks and balances.

Our brain lies to us, frequently. Our emotions mislead us. Our gut reactions make us do terrible things, to ourselves and others. When people tell you to "Be Yourself", they forget to mention that the "self" is not one constant, unchanging thing. It is very much the product of our upbringing, and our environment, and our personality continues to change into old age. Moreover, we are different people depending on what context we're in, or who we're interacting with, or what we think is expected of us. They never tell you which "self" to be. They can't, because the "self" is as transient as sand, and if we rely too heavily on it, we will be carried away on its unstable flow.

I understand that these ideas may seem evil and tyrannical in this capitalist society, where we hold the Individual as the highest standard of good. But I think it is crucial to highlight the need for balance and moderation: being true to ourselves, and only ourselves, to the exclusion of what society wants from us can easily lead down a more insidious path than we may have been led to believe as children.