How To Be Happy

I think one of our primary goals on this earth is to be happy.

Call me selfish if you will, but almost all of our actions are motivated, either directly or indirectly, by a desire for happiness.

Sometimes it’s for short-term happiness, such as buying yourself ice cream just because. Other times it’s long term, such as forking out thousands and thousands of dollars for higher education.

Either way, we want to be happy, either now or later. Or both, preferably.

But the question that stumps so many of us is: how?

We’re not always clear-headed about what it is that will make us happy, especially since it’s so ambiguous. Is happiness pleasure? Contentment? Satisfaction? Is it a chemical, or is it the knowledge that things are the way you want them to be? Is it meant to be pursued here and now, even if it comes at the price of long-term happiness, or the other way around? Or maybe are we supposed to take the average of the two?

It can be confusing business. And maybe there’s not one right answer for everybody. But I do believe there are some tips that can aid everyone in their search.

Buddhism talks a lot about happiness by looking at the nature of suffering. One of the Four Noble Truths is that suffering is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In other words, our lives aren’t always going to go the way we want them to, due to circumstances outside our control.

So here’s the first thing I glean from this basic truth: happiness is transient. When it comes to us, we should recognize that it can leave just as easily. And we should be grateful for it when it happens.

But here’s the second thing: suffering is transient, too. It will happen, but as they say, this too shall pass. What it takes to weather the storm is patience, and recognition that, in the grand scheme, a little bit of suffering really isn’t that big a deal.

I like the photo of the Buddha statue in the snow as a metaphor. He sits, constant and eternal, as the weather changes and flows around him. Sometimes it’s sunny and warm; other times he becomes buried in snow. But no matter the circumstances, he sits with a little smile on his face. He’s seen it all, and he knows that just as snow is part of the earth’s natural cycle, so too is sun. And he just has to wait for it.

I’m sure you’ve known someone like this: they always have a smile on their face, always have a positive outlook to offer. They are a rock, steady and stable, grounded in reality, not moved by the rise and fall of outside circumstances. I certainly know a handful of these people, and I asked a few of them what they think is the trick. Here are the two main things they talked about.


PERSPECTIVE

It’s so easy to get caught up in the pitfalls of our day-to-day life. Here’s an idea: write down all of the things that make you unhappy through the course of your day. Every single thing. At the end of the day, look at your list and think about how ridiculous it is. You missed the bus, so you were late for work or school. Sucky, sure. But life goes on. Tomorrow, you won’t even remember it. Besides which, please consider how lucky you are to have a job, or to be enrolled in school. Consider the luxury of cheap public transportation. Life is pretty awesome; why are we getting hung up on the tiny little things that aren’t perfect?

Perspective also means where you focus your attention. Will you pay more attention to what goes wrong or what goes as planned? I'll tell you right now that pessimism is more common than optimism, and I think that's because it's easier. We have to go out of the way to notice when things DON'T go wrong, because it's less obvious than when everything blows up in our face. But if we can practice gratitude for life's little gifts and blessings, it can make a big difference in the way we perceive the world.


CHOICE

Think of it as a matter of dignity: the trivial things that happen to you every day DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT to make you unhappy. You deserve better. They can only make you unhappy IF YOU LET THEM. And it’s not always easy, but it just takes practice. Honest. When it comes to the self-discipline it takes to make this happen, I’m a firm believer in the difference between thoughts and emotions. Emotions are triggered by events: when the crate of eggs drops and they break all over the floor, our first emotional impulse will probably be anger or frustration. But it’s what comes NEXT that is crucial: how we will choose to perceive it.

Here’s the process:
1. Anger—arrrgh!! (This will happen, and it's natural. But the key is step 2...)
2. Deliberate thought—okay, I don’t need to let this ruin my day. In the grand scheme of things, this is so not a big deal.

By exercising our discipline by going through this kind of routine every day, we can literally train our minds to be able to skip that first negative emotion and go straight to the deliberate, disciplined thought.

Optimism can be learned. It’s a skill, and as such, some people are born with a knack for it, and the rest of us just have to work harder.

And that’s really the crux of the whole issue: If you’re not happy, you can work to become happy. There are plenty of things that have been demonstrated to help:

-TAKE ON a new perspective.

-PURSUE goals that you care about.

-ENGAGE in every area of your life; make it count.

-FOCUS on the good, rather than the bad.

-EXPRESS gratitude.

Notice that these are all action words. Nowhere is there anything about BEING a happier person, or BEING more optimistic. They’re not character traits that you either have or you don’t. Happiness is, as they say, the journey, and a journey is made up of each step you TAKE.

Here's one last thing I want to mention, and it may be more important than anything else: this is all meant to apply to our lives in times of uncontrollable misfortune. However, sometimes there are terrible things about our life we CAN control. If the answer to the question "Is there anything you can do about it?" is yes, then the next question is: "Why aren't you doing it?" I'm a believer in self-efficacy, as I have discussed in earlier blog posts. Sometimes it comes in the form of us choosing to be happy; sometimes it means we take our lives in hand and make the changes we need to make in order to BE happy. All we have to figure out is where we fall on that spectrum, and then do something about it.


These are just my half-baked thoughts on the subject. What I'm interested in, really, is hearing from miserable people. I want to know why these things might not work. Let's have a conversation about it.
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Here's some handy links if you're interested in Positive Psychology, which greatly inspired my thoughts in this post.

Authentic Happiness: The Official Website of Martin Seligman, the psychologist at the forefront of the Positive Psychology movement. This great website describes his theory, has helpful questionnaires and gives great tips for what it takes to be happy.

TED Talks: Martin Seligman on Positive Psychology: Hear it in his own words.

The Happiness Project: An extensive blog hosted by Psychology Today with a plethora of interesting ideas and theories regarding how to be happy.



Photo used with permission. Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/21556557@N06/2284840450/

Maybe We Can Cure Depression All By Ourselves

The Medical Model and Why We Should Question It
Antidepressants. They're prescribed all over the place. They can even be prescribed by your local General Practitioner (i.e. someone not trained in psychiatry or psychology). They're basically what this generation is hailing as the "solution" to this rising epidemic. And this conclusion rides on the Medical Model of Depression: the premise that depression is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain (a serotonin deficiency).

Most of us out there are just kind of assuming this to be correct. As I've mentioned, I take a Zoloft every morning myself. But recently a dangerous question has been posed: what if chemicals aren't really the culprit?

It's the question that plagued me in the throes of my depression: can I chalk this up to something that's out of my control, or... could it be my own fault? As you may predict, the notion that I was to blame for my disorder was frightening, demoralizing, and exhausting. For a long time, I clung to the belief that it was a chemical problem, suggesting an easy fix. "Magic pill = feel better".

New research is actually indicating that the Medical Model of Depression-- which we have thrown ourselves into headfirst-- is not as well substantiated as previously supposed. It turns out that these magic pills aren't significantly more effective than placebos. You've heard of the placebo effect: it's the notion that if we believe that something will work, it will work. It looks like that might be what's happening here: these pills designed to increase the serotonin in our brain-- thereby supposedly reducing the depressive symptoms-- are not working much better than sugar pills.

(Please visit this article for more information on this particular placebo effect, and this book review to sum up some of the arguments against the Medical Model.)

Could it be that simply believing we have the power to pull ourselves out of our sadness could be all we need?

As I described in my previous blog post on the subject of depression, part of the biggest problem is that we feel weak and helpless to make any changes. But it's a case of the chicken or the egg-- we are assuming that we feel powerless because we are depressed. But isn't it just as plausible that we are depressed because we feel powerless?

I have pondered this and come up with my own take on what exactly this process looks like. Much in the style of Aaron Beck (all around important guy in depression research), I have crafted my take on this in the form of a triad, which I am calling the Efficacy Triad.

Here's how I define efficacy: our ability to accomplish what we set out to do. It is regulated by our relationship with ourselves.



What we require to possess efficacy is 1.) Self Discipline, or the ability to prioritize our needs and our wants in a healthy way, and then direct our behavior accordingly, 2.) Self Esteem, a true love and appreciation for ourselves, as well as a healthy understanding of our strengths (weaknesses too, but that is really a given in depressed people), and 3.) Self Confidence, or the belief that we can accomplish what we set out to do. It's the perception that we are strong, capable agents in our own lives. These three areas all affect one another, and so lacking one will often lead to a lack the others as well. When these deficits become severe enough, they may result in depression.

Basically, we become depressed when we have this poor relationship with ourselves, leading to a lack in efficacy, meaning we are no longer effective individuals in our lives. And isn't this, in a nutshell, what depression is? The inevitable despondence that comes with a poor self-image, resulting in no longer being able to function well, leading to further lowering of our self image.

That's my theory. So why does it happen? I have a few answers.

I think-- particularly in America-- there exists a sense of entitlement. Written into the core of the "American Dream" is the notion that we can accomplish anything, and, moreover, that we deserve to accomplish everything. If we are thoroughly enough imbued with this philosophy, imagine the existential crisis we face when we fail. Not only will we feel profoundly disempowered, but worthless on top of that, because obviously if we can't have the exact kind of life we want, we must not be deserving of it. There's a host of philosophical implications in this progression that I won't get into now, but it's well worth some pondering.

Another way of conceptualizing it is actually rather Freudian: consider the expectations we have regarding what we "should" be like. Now picture what we tend to actually be like. When an individual is forced to internalize both of these concepts, they may be faced with a terrible psychological conflict. We have to struggle to reconcile the disparity, because it creates a dissonance that is psychologically uncomfortable. When we fail to reconcile it, however, we may be faced with depression.

So, how on earth can we treat this?

I believe that, since the depression was caused by a lack of efficacy, it can be reduced by bolstering the efficacy one possesses. Makes sense, right? So what does this look like? Well, predictably enough, each of the three parts of the triad need to be addressed to ensure a strong sense of efficacy.

Self Discipline has been often conceptualized as a muscle-- it can be trained. In practicing control over our negative thoughts and impulses, we can build up the power to have control in other areas of our life.

We can increase our Self Esteem by making a daily emphasis in our minds of our strengths, rather than our weaknesses. We can spend time developing our existing skills. We can interact with loved ones who will love and support us, and help remind us of what's good about ourselves.

Finally, we can increase our Self Confidence by putting all of these things into practice and starting to see change wrought in our lives. As we watch ourselves progress and move beyond our disorder, we will most likely begin to feel as though we have power over our lives, and the ability to change our own emotional fate.


This is why I believe embracing a model of depression which emphasizes our own responsibility for our difficulties is actually the perfect way of addressing the problem. While it acknowledges how our failings can cause trouble, it also highlights and power to bring about real, tangible improvements for ourselves, which is exactly what we need to get better. We need faith in ourselves as people and as free agents, not slaves to our imperfect minds and bodies.

So I never got to some of the things I wanted to address-- notably, depression as addiction. But honestly, I think the little dissertation I've composed here is more than enough for one blog post. If you have the patience to conquer this monster of a post, please tell me what you think! My experience is rather limited, and I am curious to know whether anybody else sees truth in these theories. What do you think?

Thoughts for a Monday Morning

Here’s my question on this Monday morning: why do so many of us hate our jobs? Is it an element of discontentment inherent to humanity? Or is it that the jobs are truly miserable—in which case, why aren’t we more inclined to pursue a career we really want?

Which is it: are humans disposed towards misery, or disposed towards willful slavery? So many people drag themselves out of bed every morning to go sit behind a desk, or cater to rude customers, or in some other way undermine their own dignity.

We seem to be choosing jobs on the basis of necessity and obligation. But could it be possible to rewire the way we approach our day-jobs, so that rather than a miserable chore we had to complete every day, it was an honorable responsibility through which we find inherent satisfaction? What kind of world would it be where people wanted to be tax lawyers? Or wanted to be custodians? Or wanted to be waitresses? I’m not sure whether a world like that would look socialist, Buddhist, or like a Borg collective. Or none of the above. But the point is, what if each of us really loved our careers—and, by some miracle, the world still turned?

“Don’t confuse your career with your life”.

I read that quote earlier this week. Although it’s an important mantra in a world where we are struggling to retain a sense of dignity in undignified jobs, I wish it weren’t necessary. If we could feel as though we had, fully conscious and purposefully, entered our line of work, and we did it because we wanted to—would we feel fulfilled by the same careers that are now making us miserable?

Just some random thoughts. This is a prelude to my (hopefully) upcoming blog posts on the subjects of depression and efficacy… could we escape chronic sadness and discontentment if we felt more powerful in our lives? I say yes.

In the meantime, if you have any insight to share, I'd be interested to get some of these questions answered!