To Be Yourself Or Not To Be Yourself

Don't Talk to Strangers.
Eat Your Fruits and Veggies.
Stop, Drop, and Roll.
Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street.
If You Can't Say Something Nice, Don't Say Anything At All.
Remember the Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Treat Others as You Would Want to be Treated.

As children we are taught many things above and beyond addition and subtraction. There are certain lessons we were all instilled with, until they become part of our very worldview and means of approaching our lives.

One of the primary examples is very simple: Be Yourself.

We were inundated with the sense that we should not conform for the sake of winning others' approval. We should not be afraid of what others think. We should never try to change ourselves for someone else. So basically, we don't need to adhere to social norms if we believe they're wrong. Right?

There's just one problem I have with this easy, feelgood moral. There is a word for people who don't adhere to social norms: they are called psychopaths.

The technical term for this is Antisocial Personality Disorder: these are people who frequently infringe on the rights of others in very real ways. They are your classic serial killers or CEOs who rob their company of millions of dollars-- they are cruel and vicious and feel no remorse. Social norms mean little to them.

There are some theories as to how this may come about. In normative development (i.e. the way it's supposed to go), we experiment and test the boundaries of behavior. When we act badly, we are punished, either directly, by a parent or teacher, or indirectly, by being alienated from social groups. We develop a sense of what is "normal" in society, and through this, we are accepted by our peers. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder may be less able to undergo this type of conditioning: something about their biochemistry is prohibiting them from anticipating the consequences of their behavior, or of seeing the effect their actions may be having on others. As a result of this, they never develop a sense of what is right or wrong in their environment: they never develop a conscience. In actuality, these people are only interested in being themselves, and have no sense that there might be something very misguided about that.

Where I'm going with all this is that people need to conform, to some extent. There are many reasons why, among them being that conformity promotes friendship, and the acceptance of our peers is important for our mental health. We need social bonds in order to develop well emotionally and to have good self esteem. But mostly-- and here's my primary thesis-- people need to act a certain way so society can run. It is one of the most basic tenets of a working civilization: that the individuals therein follow an implicit social contract of how to behave and interact with one another. When individuals have no regard for others' thoughts and opinions, in less severe cases, we get those people who have no courtesy, tact, or sense of social grace. They are obnoxious and sometimes offensive, but it doesn't usually go beyond that. It is in the more extreme cases that we get liars, cheaters, abusers, and psychopaths: those people who undermine the fabric of society.

While I certainly don't condone mindless, sheeplike behavior, and I will always argue that people should think for themselves above all else, I believe that conformity gets a pretty bad rap. We need to care what others think of us, so that we can remain decent human beings. A wise friend of mine once told me that "The human mind, when left to its own devices, is a dangerous thing". So true. We need others to keep us in line, as our system of checks and balances.

Our brain lies to us, frequently. Our emotions mislead us. Our gut reactions make us do terrible things, to ourselves and others. When people tell you to "Be Yourself", they forget to mention that the "self" is not one constant, unchanging thing. It is very much the product of our upbringing, and our environment, and our personality continues to change into old age. Moreover, we are different people depending on what context we're in, or who we're interacting with, or what we think is expected of us. They never tell you which "self" to be. They can't, because the "self" is as transient as sand, and if we rely too heavily on it, we will be carried away on its unstable flow.

I understand that these ideas may seem evil and tyrannical in this capitalist society, where we hold the Individual as the highest standard of good. But I think it is crucial to highlight the need for balance and moderation: being true to ourselves, and only ourselves, to the exclusion of what society wants from us can easily lead down a more insidious path than we may have been led to believe as children.

How To Be Happy

I think one of our primary goals on this earth is to be happy.

Call me selfish if you will, but almost all of our actions are motivated, either directly or indirectly, by a desire for happiness.

Sometimes it’s for short-term happiness, such as buying yourself ice cream just because. Other times it’s long term, such as forking out thousands and thousands of dollars for higher education.

Either way, we want to be happy, either now or later. Or both, preferably.

But the question that stumps so many of us is: how?

We’re not always clear-headed about what it is that will make us happy, especially since it’s so ambiguous. Is happiness pleasure? Contentment? Satisfaction? Is it a chemical, or is it the knowledge that things are the way you want them to be? Is it meant to be pursued here and now, even if it comes at the price of long-term happiness, or the other way around? Or maybe are we supposed to take the average of the two?

It can be confusing business. And maybe there’s not one right answer for everybody. But I do believe there are some tips that can aid everyone in their search.

Buddhism talks a lot about happiness by looking at the nature of suffering. One of the Four Noble Truths is that suffering is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In other words, our lives aren’t always going to go the way we want them to, due to circumstances outside our control.

So here’s the first thing I glean from this basic truth: happiness is transient. When it comes to us, we should recognize that it can leave just as easily. And we should be grateful for it when it happens.

But here’s the second thing: suffering is transient, too. It will happen, but as they say, this too shall pass. What it takes to weather the storm is patience, and recognition that, in the grand scheme, a little bit of suffering really isn’t that big a deal.

I like the photo of the Buddha statue in the snow as a metaphor. He sits, constant and eternal, as the weather changes and flows around him. Sometimes it’s sunny and warm; other times he becomes buried in snow. But no matter the circumstances, he sits with a little smile on his face. He’s seen it all, and he knows that just as snow is part of the earth’s natural cycle, so too is sun. And he just has to wait for it.

I’m sure you’ve known someone like this: they always have a smile on their face, always have a positive outlook to offer. They are a rock, steady and stable, grounded in reality, not moved by the rise and fall of outside circumstances. I certainly know a handful of these people, and I asked a few of them what they think is the trick. Here are the two main things they talked about.


PERSPECTIVE

It’s so easy to get caught up in the pitfalls of our day-to-day life. Here’s an idea: write down all of the things that make you unhappy through the course of your day. Every single thing. At the end of the day, look at your list and think about how ridiculous it is. You missed the bus, so you were late for work or school. Sucky, sure. But life goes on. Tomorrow, you won’t even remember it. Besides which, please consider how lucky you are to have a job, or to be enrolled in school. Consider the luxury of cheap public transportation. Life is pretty awesome; why are we getting hung up on the tiny little things that aren’t perfect?

Perspective also means where you focus your attention. Will you pay more attention to what goes wrong or what goes as planned? I'll tell you right now that pessimism is more common than optimism, and I think that's because it's easier. We have to go out of the way to notice when things DON'T go wrong, because it's less obvious than when everything blows up in our face. But if we can practice gratitude for life's little gifts and blessings, it can make a big difference in the way we perceive the world.


CHOICE

Think of it as a matter of dignity: the trivial things that happen to you every day DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT to make you unhappy. You deserve better. They can only make you unhappy IF YOU LET THEM. And it’s not always easy, but it just takes practice. Honest. When it comes to the self-discipline it takes to make this happen, I’m a firm believer in the difference between thoughts and emotions. Emotions are triggered by events: when the crate of eggs drops and they break all over the floor, our first emotional impulse will probably be anger or frustration. But it’s what comes NEXT that is crucial: how we will choose to perceive it.

Here’s the process:
1. Anger—arrrgh!! (This will happen, and it's natural. But the key is step 2...)
2. Deliberate thought—okay, I don’t need to let this ruin my day. In the grand scheme of things, this is so not a big deal.

By exercising our discipline by going through this kind of routine every day, we can literally train our minds to be able to skip that first negative emotion and go straight to the deliberate, disciplined thought.

Optimism can be learned. It’s a skill, and as such, some people are born with a knack for it, and the rest of us just have to work harder.

And that’s really the crux of the whole issue: If you’re not happy, you can work to become happy. There are plenty of things that have been demonstrated to help:

-TAKE ON a new perspective.

-PURSUE goals that you care about.

-ENGAGE in every area of your life; make it count.

-FOCUS on the good, rather than the bad.

-EXPRESS gratitude.

Notice that these are all action words. Nowhere is there anything about BEING a happier person, or BEING more optimistic. They’re not character traits that you either have or you don’t. Happiness is, as they say, the journey, and a journey is made up of each step you TAKE.

Here's one last thing I want to mention, and it may be more important than anything else: this is all meant to apply to our lives in times of uncontrollable misfortune. However, sometimes there are terrible things about our life we CAN control. If the answer to the question "Is there anything you can do about it?" is yes, then the next question is: "Why aren't you doing it?" I'm a believer in self-efficacy, as I have discussed in earlier blog posts. Sometimes it comes in the form of us choosing to be happy; sometimes it means we take our lives in hand and make the changes we need to make in order to BE happy. All we have to figure out is where we fall on that spectrum, and then do something about it.


These are just my half-baked thoughts on the subject. What I'm interested in, really, is hearing from miserable people. I want to know why these things might not work. Let's have a conversation about it.
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Here's some handy links if you're interested in Positive Psychology, which greatly inspired my thoughts in this post.

Authentic Happiness: The Official Website of Martin Seligman, the psychologist at the forefront of the Positive Psychology movement. This great website describes his theory, has helpful questionnaires and gives great tips for what it takes to be happy.

TED Talks: Martin Seligman on Positive Psychology: Hear it in his own words.

The Happiness Project: An extensive blog hosted by Psychology Today with a plethora of interesting ideas and theories regarding how to be happy.



Photo used with permission. Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/21556557@N06/2284840450/

The Half-Full Glass that was Halfway Empty

Allow me to present a sort of a pickle I'm in.

I've believed for a long time that optimism is strictly more beneficial than pessimism. Assuming that you're not sacrificing realism, of course, it seems self-evident to me that we will be happier, stronger people if we try to adopt positive outlooks. Extrapolating on this view, I can see no advantage to anger, or holding grudges, or dwelling on misfortune-- what does it gain us to allow things in our lives to make us unhappy?

For this reason, I tend to argue that, given the option to stew over irritation at people we don't like, or an issue we wish we could escape, it will always be better to just let it go. Let it roll off your back-- like a duck, as my sixth grade teacher once told me.

I also believe that negativity often works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are convinced that things are going to go wrong, or that you're going to have a terrible day, it is much more likely to be true. Focusing on the bad in the world makes it all the more apparent, until it truly does seem that that's all there is to see.

But here's the truth. I'm also incredibly cynical. Sometimes I can't help it, it just happens. The difference is, I don't like being cynical, so being optimistic takes an effort. But this weird disparity means I'm having a hard time approaching the question analytically. Like I said, the logic of optimism seems self-evident to me. But why is it bad to be angry and cynical? After all, the world isn't always rainbows and muffins. So optimists are going to experience more disappointment as compared to pessimists. Besides, negativity doesn't actually harm us, does it? If anything, it makes us more resilient to the terrible things that will inevitably happen, because we won't be caught completely off guard when fate decides to have a laugh at us. We will have seen it coming.

But that doesn't sound right to me either! I think negativity does weaken us, but I'm not at all sure why. Optimists, help me out. What are the concrete benefits to looking on the bright side of life? Pessimists, argue with me. Is being prepared for the worst worth the cost of viewing the world as even more of a dark, miserable place than it actually is?

Some food for thought:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
-The Buddha

"A pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events."
-Robert A Heinlein

"I was thinking that it might do some good if we robbed the cynics, and took all their food. That way, what they believe will have taken place, and we'll give it to everybody who has some faith."
-Jewel

Terrified

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance..."
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared."
-- Edward Vernon Rickenbacker


Judgment.

Commitment.

Intimacy.

Rejection.

Aloneness.

Inadequacy.

Failure.

I don't believe there is a person alive who does not experience fear. I would go so far as to say that fear is a fundamental, inescapable part of humanity. We all have our own underlying objects of terror that haunt us from the moment we wake up every morning and approach the world.

We are afraid of each other. We are afraid of ourselves. We are afraid of the world, of the future, of the past, of the present. We are afraid of misery, and we are afraid of joy.

I have this hunch that we are motivated by fear in almost everything that we do. Underlying our logical, unembarrassing reasons for the decisions we make, is a deep and pervasive terror. We choose a well-paying, soul-sucking profession because we are afraid of poverty. We stay in an unhappy relationship because we are afraid of dying alone. We present ourselves as being confident and together because we are afraid of letting others see the flawed beings we truly are.

I began this post with the FDR quote because I think it basically represents the common opinion of fear as weakness, as something to be avoided at all costs. However, as I recently started reflecting on my own intense fears, and consciously thinking about how they are motivating me to act-- or not to act-- I started wondering if fear really is the enemy.

In some cases, fear can drive us towards unconscionable acts, for instance if one is threatened or blackmailed. Other times, fear can make us cowards, keeping us from doing the hard stuff that we have to. So you won't hear me arguing that fear doesn't have the potential to hold us back.

But if you think about it from a different perspective, fear can motivate us towards incredible growth. Fear can inspire us to jump-start our lives or careers, to avoid the misery or futility of the future. Fear can clue us in to our sources of weakness and anxiety, so we can strive to conquer them.

Let me give an example: I accepted an internship for this fall working at a Residential Care Facility, where the main population will be schizophrenic patients who are unable to care for themselves. This idea terrifies me. And that is precisely why I chose it-- if I am interested in clinical psychology (which I am), the discomfort I have with working with the mentally ill is going to be a major obstacle, to say the least. So I first had to acknowledge that I was afraid. Knowing this gave me the chance to reflect and realize that I didn't have to let my fear control my actions. So I took the plunge (reactions to actually working in this internship forthcoming).

Fear, like pain and sorrow, lets us know that we are human. By analyzing what we're afraid of, we can come closer to understanding why we are the way we are, which is, I believe, one of the greatest mysteries an individual can face. Moreover, if we can pinpoint our deepest fears and determine whether they're prompting us for good or for ill, it can allow us to be more conscious agents, which is crucial.

One of the most empowering things we can come to believe is that there's nothing wrong with feeling afraid. Fear does not make you a coward. On the contrary; it gives you the opportunity to have courage.