To Be Yourself Or Not To Be Yourself

Don't Talk to Strangers.
Eat Your Fruits and Veggies.
Stop, Drop, and Roll.
Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street.
If You Can't Say Something Nice, Don't Say Anything At All.
Remember the Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Treat Others as You Would Want to be Treated.

As children we are taught many things above and beyond addition and subtraction. There are certain lessons we were all instilled with, until they become part of our very worldview and means of approaching our lives.

One of the primary examples is very simple: Be Yourself.

We were inundated with the sense that we should not conform for the sake of winning others' approval. We should not be afraid of what others think. We should never try to change ourselves for someone else. So basically, we don't need to adhere to social norms if we believe they're wrong. Right?

There's just one problem I have with this easy, feelgood moral. There is a word for people who don't adhere to social norms: they are called psychopaths.

The technical term for this is Antisocial Personality Disorder: these are people who frequently infringe on the rights of others in very real ways. They are your classic serial killers or CEOs who rob their company of millions of dollars-- they are cruel and vicious and feel no remorse. Social norms mean little to them.

There are some theories as to how this may come about. In normative development (i.e. the way it's supposed to go), we experiment and test the boundaries of behavior. When we act badly, we are punished, either directly, by a parent or teacher, or indirectly, by being alienated from social groups. We develop a sense of what is "normal" in society, and through this, we are accepted by our peers. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder may be less able to undergo this type of conditioning: something about their biochemistry is prohibiting them from anticipating the consequences of their behavior, or of seeing the effect their actions may be having on others. As a result of this, they never develop a sense of what is right or wrong in their environment: they never develop a conscience. In actuality, these people are only interested in being themselves, and have no sense that there might be something very misguided about that.

Where I'm going with all this is that people need to conform, to some extent. There are many reasons why, among them being that conformity promotes friendship, and the acceptance of our peers is important for our mental health. We need social bonds in order to develop well emotionally and to have good self esteem. But mostly-- and here's my primary thesis-- people need to act a certain way so society can run. It is one of the most basic tenets of a working civilization: that the individuals therein follow an implicit social contract of how to behave and interact with one another. When individuals have no regard for others' thoughts and opinions, in less severe cases, we get those people who have no courtesy, tact, or sense of social grace. They are obnoxious and sometimes offensive, but it doesn't usually go beyond that. It is in the more extreme cases that we get liars, cheaters, abusers, and psychopaths: those people who undermine the fabric of society.

While I certainly don't condone mindless, sheeplike behavior, and I will always argue that people should think for themselves above all else, I believe that conformity gets a pretty bad rap. We need to care what others think of us, so that we can remain decent human beings. A wise friend of mine once told me that "The human mind, when left to its own devices, is a dangerous thing". So true. We need others to keep us in line, as our system of checks and balances.

Our brain lies to us, frequently. Our emotions mislead us. Our gut reactions make us do terrible things, to ourselves and others. When people tell you to "Be Yourself", they forget to mention that the "self" is not one constant, unchanging thing. It is very much the product of our upbringing, and our environment, and our personality continues to change into old age. Moreover, we are different people depending on what context we're in, or who we're interacting with, or what we think is expected of us. They never tell you which "self" to be. They can't, because the "self" is as transient as sand, and if we rely too heavily on it, we will be carried away on its unstable flow.

I understand that these ideas may seem evil and tyrannical in this capitalist society, where we hold the Individual as the highest standard of good. But I think it is crucial to highlight the need for balance and moderation: being true to ourselves, and only ourselves, to the exclusion of what society wants from us can easily lead down a more insidious path than we may have been led to believe as children.

How To Be Happy

I think one of our primary goals on this earth is to be happy.

Call me selfish if you will, but almost all of our actions are motivated, either directly or indirectly, by a desire for happiness.

Sometimes it’s for short-term happiness, such as buying yourself ice cream just because. Other times it’s long term, such as forking out thousands and thousands of dollars for higher education.

Either way, we want to be happy, either now or later. Or both, preferably.

But the question that stumps so many of us is: how?

We’re not always clear-headed about what it is that will make us happy, especially since it’s so ambiguous. Is happiness pleasure? Contentment? Satisfaction? Is it a chemical, or is it the knowledge that things are the way you want them to be? Is it meant to be pursued here and now, even if it comes at the price of long-term happiness, or the other way around? Or maybe are we supposed to take the average of the two?

It can be confusing business. And maybe there’s not one right answer for everybody. But I do believe there are some tips that can aid everyone in their search.

Buddhism talks a lot about happiness by looking at the nature of suffering. One of the Four Noble Truths is that suffering is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In other words, our lives aren’t always going to go the way we want them to, due to circumstances outside our control.

So here’s the first thing I glean from this basic truth: happiness is transient. When it comes to us, we should recognize that it can leave just as easily. And we should be grateful for it when it happens.

But here’s the second thing: suffering is transient, too. It will happen, but as they say, this too shall pass. What it takes to weather the storm is patience, and recognition that, in the grand scheme, a little bit of suffering really isn’t that big a deal.

I like the photo of the Buddha statue in the snow as a metaphor. He sits, constant and eternal, as the weather changes and flows around him. Sometimes it’s sunny and warm; other times he becomes buried in snow. But no matter the circumstances, he sits with a little smile on his face. He’s seen it all, and he knows that just as snow is part of the earth’s natural cycle, so too is sun. And he just has to wait for it.

I’m sure you’ve known someone like this: they always have a smile on their face, always have a positive outlook to offer. They are a rock, steady and stable, grounded in reality, not moved by the rise and fall of outside circumstances. I certainly know a handful of these people, and I asked a few of them what they think is the trick. Here are the two main things they talked about.


PERSPECTIVE

It’s so easy to get caught up in the pitfalls of our day-to-day life. Here’s an idea: write down all of the things that make you unhappy through the course of your day. Every single thing. At the end of the day, look at your list and think about how ridiculous it is. You missed the bus, so you were late for work or school. Sucky, sure. But life goes on. Tomorrow, you won’t even remember it. Besides which, please consider how lucky you are to have a job, or to be enrolled in school. Consider the luxury of cheap public transportation. Life is pretty awesome; why are we getting hung up on the tiny little things that aren’t perfect?

Perspective also means where you focus your attention. Will you pay more attention to what goes wrong or what goes as planned? I'll tell you right now that pessimism is more common than optimism, and I think that's because it's easier. We have to go out of the way to notice when things DON'T go wrong, because it's less obvious than when everything blows up in our face. But if we can practice gratitude for life's little gifts and blessings, it can make a big difference in the way we perceive the world.


CHOICE

Think of it as a matter of dignity: the trivial things that happen to you every day DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT to make you unhappy. You deserve better. They can only make you unhappy IF YOU LET THEM. And it’s not always easy, but it just takes practice. Honest. When it comes to the self-discipline it takes to make this happen, I’m a firm believer in the difference between thoughts and emotions. Emotions are triggered by events: when the crate of eggs drops and they break all over the floor, our first emotional impulse will probably be anger or frustration. But it’s what comes NEXT that is crucial: how we will choose to perceive it.

Here’s the process:
1. Anger—arrrgh!! (This will happen, and it's natural. But the key is step 2...)
2. Deliberate thought—okay, I don’t need to let this ruin my day. In the grand scheme of things, this is so not a big deal.

By exercising our discipline by going through this kind of routine every day, we can literally train our minds to be able to skip that first negative emotion and go straight to the deliberate, disciplined thought.

Optimism can be learned. It’s a skill, and as such, some people are born with a knack for it, and the rest of us just have to work harder.

And that’s really the crux of the whole issue: If you’re not happy, you can work to become happy. There are plenty of things that have been demonstrated to help:

-TAKE ON a new perspective.

-PURSUE goals that you care about.

-ENGAGE in every area of your life; make it count.

-FOCUS on the good, rather than the bad.

-EXPRESS gratitude.

Notice that these are all action words. Nowhere is there anything about BEING a happier person, or BEING more optimistic. They’re not character traits that you either have or you don’t. Happiness is, as they say, the journey, and a journey is made up of each step you TAKE.

Here's one last thing I want to mention, and it may be more important than anything else: this is all meant to apply to our lives in times of uncontrollable misfortune. However, sometimes there are terrible things about our life we CAN control. If the answer to the question "Is there anything you can do about it?" is yes, then the next question is: "Why aren't you doing it?" I'm a believer in self-efficacy, as I have discussed in earlier blog posts. Sometimes it comes in the form of us choosing to be happy; sometimes it means we take our lives in hand and make the changes we need to make in order to BE happy. All we have to figure out is where we fall on that spectrum, and then do something about it.


These are just my half-baked thoughts on the subject. What I'm interested in, really, is hearing from miserable people. I want to know why these things might not work. Let's have a conversation about it.
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Here's some handy links if you're interested in Positive Psychology, which greatly inspired my thoughts in this post.

Authentic Happiness: The Official Website of Martin Seligman, the psychologist at the forefront of the Positive Psychology movement. This great website describes his theory, has helpful questionnaires and gives great tips for what it takes to be happy.

TED Talks: Martin Seligman on Positive Psychology: Hear it in his own words.

The Happiness Project: An extensive blog hosted by Psychology Today with a plethora of interesting ideas and theories regarding how to be happy.



Photo used with permission. Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/21556557@N06/2284840450/

Why I Love Psychology

I wrote the following essay as an entry for a $500 scholarship. The prompt was extremely open ended:

Requirements: Junior or Senior Stevenson College student
Majoring in Psychology and/or Legal Studies
Demonstrated academic excellence

Application: Submit a two-page statement explaining how you meet the scholarship requirements.
Include information regarding your background, interests, future plans and potential major(s).

So I basically wrote about why I love Psychology, what I've done with it so far, and what I hope to do with it in the future. I felt that this essay was blog-worthy, so here it is.

(Oh, and I also won the scholarship. :P)

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As a child, I spent a great deal of time traversing the roads of America with my parents. One of the primary consequences of such a hobby is getting to meet lots and lots of people.

There's a wide variety of interactions you can have while on the road. There are those people who are little more than nameless faces you catch a glimpse of from your car window. There are those you meet for thirty seconds, then never again. There are those who you have the chance to talk with just for a few minutes, and, though your time together was brief, they make a lasting impression on you. Then there are those who will gladly share their entire life's story if you have the endurance to listen for long enough.

I couldn't begin to count the people I've met in these twenty-one years. But even if I don't remember the vast majority of those individuals, the effect of having passed, ghost-like, through so many lives has been profound. Having gotten firsthand some idea of just how many people exist in this world made me determined to understand them better, to perceive that crowd as more than just a fast-moving blur. Then one day, I discovered Psychology, and things suddenly started clicking into place.

When I took my first Introduction to Psychology class, I knew I had stumbled across something amazing. It was unbelievable how much I found myself enjoying the material, never bored, always enthusiastic about learning more. Before I'd had no idea what I wanted my life to look like. But with Psychology, it was suddenly obvious what path I wanted to take.

I have spent the last four years immersed in the field of Psychology, which I think of as the study of people. To me, there is nothing more satisfying than to learn about the research behind the behavior I witness in myself and those around me every day. To begin to discover why we are the way we are seems like a miracle, like turning the lights on in a world which had, till then, been very dim.
At this point, I have found myself unexpectedly on the far side of my undergraduate career. When I made the realization that, soon, Psychology would mean more than taking notes and passing tests, I made the effort to throw myself headfirst into the field.

I started with research, connecting with my professors to find a place in their labs. I was intrigued at the idea of seeing Psychology in the making, as its academic minds attempted to solve the unsolved mysteries. I worked for five months as a Research Assistant, and was introduced to hot-off-the-press work that was being done in the field of Cognitive Psychology. I saw what life in the lab was really like, meeting with participants as I collected data. It was eye-opening, to be sure, getting a glimpse of the nuts and bolts behind what I'd been learning.

I went on to Teaching College Psychology, where I got the incredible opportunity to act as an Instructional Assistant to students in an Intro class. Together with the other IAs, we waded our way through the frightening new depths of imparting our knowledge to others. I led my own discussion section where we discussed and explored the material we had talked about in lecture. I encouraged the students to work with the curriculum on many different levels, so as to thoroughly absorb it, and in doing so, I was able to re-cement the knowledge as well.

Now, in my final year, I have embarked on the most rewarding and nerve-wracking journey yet: putting my knowledge to use out in the real world. I have begun an internship with Front Street, Inc, a local program that provides residential care for the mentally ill in the community. I have been given the chance to see the reality of a life in the mental health field, helping individuals to make the best of their difficult situations. Looking into the faces of the clients at these facilities, I can see the names behind the statistics, the humanity inherent-- but often hidden-- in the field. I am given a constant reminder that Psychology extends beyond textbooks and classrooms; it is working towards the daunting goal of providing care and relief for those who suffer mentally.

Post graduation, I am hoping to put my education to work as a Clinical Psychologist, working to both further current research and to help those who need it. I hope for the chance to, every day, have one-on-one conversations with other human beings as, together, we try to figure out what's wrong and what's right with us as people. I hope to get to meet some of the individuals in that nameless crowd I drove past as a child, to gain witness that we are all of us human, mixing our own distinctiveness into the world, making for a terrifying, confusing, and fascinating place to exist.

The Half-Full Glass that was Halfway Empty

Allow me to present a sort of a pickle I'm in.

I've believed for a long time that optimism is strictly more beneficial than pessimism. Assuming that you're not sacrificing realism, of course, it seems self-evident to me that we will be happier, stronger people if we try to adopt positive outlooks. Extrapolating on this view, I can see no advantage to anger, or holding grudges, or dwelling on misfortune-- what does it gain us to allow things in our lives to make us unhappy?

For this reason, I tend to argue that, given the option to stew over irritation at people we don't like, or an issue we wish we could escape, it will always be better to just let it go. Let it roll off your back-- like a duck, as my sixth grade teacher once told me.

I also believe that negativity often works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are convinced that things are going to go wrong, or that you're going to have a terrible day, it is much more likely to be true. Focusing on the bad in the world makes it all the more apparent, until it truly does seem that that's all there is to see.

But here's the truth. I'm also incredibly cynical. Sometimes I can't help it, it just happens. The difference is, I don't like being cynical, so being optimistic takes an effort. But this weird disparity means I'm having a hard time approaching the question analytically. Like I said, the logic of optimism seems self-evident to me. But why is it bad to be angry and cynical? After all, the world isn't always rainbows and muffins. So optimists are going to experience more disappointment as compared to pessimists. Besides, negativity doesn't actually harm us, does it? If anything, it makes us more resilient to the terrible things that will inevitably happen, because we won't be caught completely off guard when fate decides to have a laugh at us. We will have seen it coming.

But that doesn't sound right to me either! I think negativity does weaken us, but I'm not at all sure why. Optimists, help me out. What are the concrete benefits to looking on the bright side of life? Pessimists, argue with me. Is being prepared for the worst worth the cost of viewing the world as even more of a dark, miserable place than it actually is?

Some food for thought:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
-The Buddha

"A pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events."
-Robert A Heinlein

"I was thinking that it might do some good if we robbed the cynics, and took all their food. That way, what they believe will have taken place, and we'll give it to everybody who has some faith."
-Jewel

Say Something Nice

One of the best cures for a crappy day is an unexpected compliment. True?

Just think of those absolutely dreary, miserable, I-just-want-to-go-back-to-bed days, when, out of the blue, somebody drops one of those really great, really meaningful compliments that make you grin and blush like an idiot (though that may just be me). It gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, like drinking cocoa on a wintry day, snuggled up in a soft quilt with a kitty. Warmth in a blizzard, that's what a compliment can be like.

There's something so gratifying about being recognized, especially when you had no idea that people had noticed. Like when you have that talent that you're secretly very proud of, but are too shy to brag about, and then someone says "Hey, you're really pretty great at that." Is that not just a fantastic feeling?

Things like that stick with you. Here's an example: there is a certain acquaintance of mine of whom I have always been more than a little intimidated. He ranks high on my list of people with whom I know I will never be able to compete intellectually. Then one day, a couple of years ago, this person mentioned in passing that he considered me exceptionally intelligent, and said that I was actually a role model of his.

Imagine my shock. Now that's a paradigm shift if ever there was one.

Try to think about all the times you have thoughts like that about other people. There's that person with a really flattering blouse, or truly amazing shoes. The person who has something really insightful to say, that really makes you think. There's the people you deeply admire, or people who impress you with their abilities. Stuff like this crosses our mind all day.

Now the crucial question is: how often do you voice those thoughts?

I think it might be a little taboo to be so complimentary of others. It may come across as creepy or sycophantic, and we don't want to come on too strong. Or maybe we think they wouldn't really care, so we might as well just keep it to ourselves. Or sometimes when we see something we admire about someone, we assume they have probably heard about it a thousand times before, so we don't need to say anything.

But how often is that really true for ourselves? I know that I am grateful for every single compliment I receive. I know that their decision to voice their comment was probably a complete toss-up, and I feel very lucky that they happened to decide to say something.

What I'm trying to say is that we should speak up more often. Voice the little compliments, because they might not be so little to the person you're speaking to. Voice the big ones, because the more important those comments are to you, the more important they're likely to be to the person you think them about.

Compliment strangers; those comments often mean more because you could have walked by and said nothing, but instead you thought it was important enough to let them know you noticed something great about them. Compliment your friends; it's easy to neglect those we spend a lot of time around; always let them know that you see their talents and accomplishments. Compliment your loved ones; communicating and demonstrating appreciation will make our most important relationships stronger.

For those of you who are completely disgusted by the fact that my blog post has turned into a bit of a Kumbaya circle, you can also take a cost-benefit approach. You risk very, very little by making these sorts of comments. At the worst, they're a little weirded out, and then they move on with their life. At best… well, honestly, I believe the potential gain is immeasurable.

Whatever way you look at it, it can only do good. So next time you happen to notice something cool about someone else… do them a favor, and let them know.

☺

Joy in Sorrow

Ender’s Game is possibly my favorite book of all time. Every time I read it I experience something profound, something somehow earth-shattering. It’s not about the outstanding quality of writing and character development (although those don’t hurt, either); it’s the tragedy. The story this book tells is heartbreaking; for it to have happened, even in fiction, leaves you feeling sick in your soul. But it was powerful enough to touch your soul in the first place.

The magic of those tragedies make a story stick with us, get it under our skin so we cannot forget. We seem to be drawn to things like this. Why is that?

Perhaps what is so alluring is the feeling of reckless abandon, of being overpowered by sorrow. A friend of mine once told me that sometimes she just enjoys “wallowing” in it, just allowing herself to feel the sheer force of it. This is something that I can almost understand; we so often shy away from feeling sad to keep up with the expectations of others and ourselves, so that to allow ourselves to freely experience it may be in some way liberating.

But I think it’s more than that. When I was caught up in depression in a bad way, I found a certain thought continuing to crop up in my mind: that I was choosing to be sad all the time. That all of my actions were inexplicably—but deliberately— hurtling into the depressive episodes. It felt like an addiction. Like this thing was damaging my life, but I needed a hit anyway. When we read a sad story or see a sad movie, we are safe from the events that occur. So we are safe to feel sad, so we enjoy it that much more. But, in our own lives and experiences, we are finding ways to enjoy it that are just a little more dangerous.

Why could this be? What pleasure could we find in sorrow? Perhaps It’s the power and intensity of the feeling. Perhaps an emotional low can be just as exciting as an emotional high. The chemicals surge through our brain, eliciting this incredible sensation of misery. How amazing! How enrapturing. How very, inescapably human we are, to feel this emotion that can enfold us in its long arms and carry us into that dark, forbidden place of our own minds. How incredible it is to be alive.


What do you all think? Am I totally off the mark here? Am I just weird and masochistic? Please share your thoughts and experience.

It's Your Funeral

Imagine…

You are dead. Your life is over, there is no more work to be done, and now everything about you is past-tense. There is nothing left to the concept of “You” but what exists in others’ memories. If you have ever left a negative impression on someone, you have no chance to redeem yourself. You have hit “send” on the manuscript of your life, and it has been submitted to the editor for critique.

How would you like to be described at your funeral?

Some funerals have pastors officiating, where they read off a one-size-fits-all description of a generic decent person’s life. Some are sparsely attended, and people struggle for profound things to say about a person who really wasn’t all that profound.

Others (these are the really memorable, awe-inspiring ones) have people crowded, standing-room only in the back, waiting in a line to get up and say what a truly amazing person this was. Stories and tears flow freely as loved ones paint a picture of an individual who will live forever as a saint or a hero.

There are those people who live their whole lives to serve others, and the ones who knew them best will swear up and down that there wasn’t a selfish bone in their body. There are those who touch many, many lives, inspiring them to be the best they can be, demonstrating a life’s full potential. There are those who are the matriarchs or patriarchs of ginormous families, helping bind them together in strength and love, leaving an ongoing legacy that will never die.

It’s a question I’m asking myself these days: how do I want to be remembered?

Remember that memories erode, and eventually all that will be left of you is an abridged version, with just the most important/memorable stuff. So it’s something to ponder as the days flow past us, unceasingly… what are we doing with our time here? What will our Greatest Hits CD sound like? Any given morning you wake up, you could start composing a new song for it. You could do something huge and amazing, or start down some new path that will change things forever. All that it takes is a decision to make it happen.

I think that many (most?) of us tend to live without real purpose or direction, making decisions that are arbitrary or short-sighted. To live deliberately means to live with a big-picture sort of mindset, acting based on long-term reasoning, keeping always in mind what sort of life we want to live.

It’s so easy to just exist. It’s another thing entirely to live a life you’ll want to be remembered by.