To Be Yourself Or Not To Be Yourself

Don't Talk to Strangers.
Eat Your Fruits and Veggies.
Stop, Drop, and Roll.
Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street.
If You Can't Say Something Nice, Don't Say Anything At All.
Remember the Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Treat Others as You Would Want to be Treated.

As children we are taught many things above and beyond addition and subtraction. There are certain lessons we were all instilled with, until they become part of our very worldview and means of approaching our lives.

One of the primary examples is very simple: Be Yourself.

We were inundated with the sense that we should not conform for the sake of winning others' approval. We should not be afraid of what others think. We should never try to change ourselves for someone else. So basically, we don't need to adhere to social norms if we believe they're wrong. Right?

There's just one problem I have with this easy, feelgood moral. There is a word for people who don't adhere to social norms: they are called psychopaths.

The technical term for this is Antisocial Personality Disorder: these are people who frequently infringe on the rights of others in very real ways. They are your classic serial killers or CEOs who rob their company of millions of dollars-- they are cruel and vicious and feel no remorse. Social norms mean little to them.

There are some theories as to how this may come about. In normative development (i.e. the way it's supposed to go), we experiment and test the boundaries of behavior. When we act badly, we are punished, either directly, by a parent or teacher, or indirectly, by being alienated from social groups. We develop a sense of what is "normal" in society, and through this, we are accepted by our peers. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder may be less able to undergo this type of conditioning: something about their biochemistry is prohibiting them from anticipating the consequences of their behavior, or of seeing the effect their actions may be having on others. As a result of this, they never develop a sense of what is right or wrong in their environment: they never develop a conscience. In actuality, these people are only interested in being themselves, and have no sense that there might be something very misguided about that.

Where I'm going with all this is that people need to conform, to some extent. There are many reasons why, among them being that conformity promotes friendship, and the acceptance of our peers is important for our mental health. We need social bonds in order to develop well emotionally and to have good self esteem. But mostly-- and here's my primary thesis-- people need to act a certain way so society can run. It is one of the most basic tenets of a working civilization: that the individuals therein follow an implicit social contract of how to behave and interact with one another. When individuals have no regard for others' thoughts and opinions, in less severe cases, we get those people who have no courtesy, tact, or sense of social grace. They are obnoxious and sometimes offensive, but it doesn't usually go beyond that. It is in the more extreme cases that we get liars, cheaters, abusers, and psychopaths: those people who undermine the fabric of society.

While I certainly don't condone mindless, sheeplike behavior, and I will always argue that people should think for themselves above all else, I believe that conformity gets a pretty bad rap. We need to care what others think of us, so that we can remain decent human beings. A wise friend of mine once told me that "The human mind, when left to its own devices, is a dangerous thing". So true. We need others to keep us in line, as our system of checks and balances.

Our brain lies to us, frequently. Our emotions mislead us. Our gut reactions make us do terrible things, to ourselves and others. When people tell you to "Be Yourself", they forget to mention that the "self" is not one constant, unchanging thing. It is very much the product of our upbringing, and our environment, and our personality continues to change into old age. Moreover, we are different people depending on what context we're in, or who we're interacting with, or what we think is expected of us. They never tell you which "self" to be. They can't, because the "self" is as transient as sand, and if we rely too heavily on it, we will be carried away on its unstable flow.

I understand that these ideas may seem evil and tyrannical in this capitalist society, where we hold the Individual as the highest standard of good. But I think it is crucial to highlight the need for balance and moderation: being true to ourselves, and only ourselves, to the exclusion of what society wants from us can easily lead down a more insidious path than we may have been led to believe as children.

How To Be Happy

I think one of our primary goals on this earth is to be happy.

Call me selfish if you will, but almost all of our actions are motivated, either directly or indirectly, by a desire for happiness.

Sometimes it’s for short-term happiness, such as buying yourself ice cream just because. Other times it’s long term, such as forking out thousands and thousands of dollars for higher education.

Either way, we want to be happy, either now or later. Or both, preferably.

But the question that stumps so many of us is: how?

We’re not always clear-headed about what it is that will make us happy, especially since it’s so ambiguous. Is happiness pleasure? Contentment? Satisfaction? Is it a chemical, or is it the knowledge that things are the way you want them to be? Is it meant to be pursued here and now, even if it comes at the price of long-term happiness, or the other way around? Or maybe are we supposed to take the average of the two?

It can be confusing business. And maybe there’s not one right answer for everybody. But I do believe there are some tips that can aid everyone in their search.

Buddhism talks a lot about happiness by looking at the nature of suffering. One of the Four Noble Truths is that suffering is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In other words, our lives aren’t always going to go the way we want them to, due to circumstances outside our control.

So here’s the first thing I glean from this basic truth: happiness is transient. When it comes to us, we should recognize that it can leave just as easily. And we should be grateful for it when it happens.

But here’s the second thing: suffering is transient, too. It will happen, but as they say, this too shall pass. What it takes to weather the storm is patience, and recognition that, in the grand scheme, a little bit of suffering really isn’t that big a deal.

I like the photo of the Buddha statue in the snow as a metaphor. He sits, constant and eternal, as the weather changes and flows around him. Sometimes it’s sunny and warm; other times he becomes buried in snow. But no matter the circumstances, he sits with a little smile on his face. He’s seen it all, and he knows that just as snow is part of the earth’s natural cycle, so too is sun. And he just has to wait for it.

I’m sure you’ve known someone like this: they always have a smile on their face, always have a positive outlook to offer. They are a rock, steady and stable, grounded in reality, not moved by the rise and fall of outside circumstances. I certainly know a handful of these people, and I asked a few of them what they think is the trick. Here are the two main things they talked about.


PERSPECTIVE

It’s so easy to get caught up in the pitfalls of our day-to-day life. Here’s an idea: write down all of the things that make you unhappy through the course of your day. Every single thing. At the end of the day, look at your list and think about how ridiculous it is. You missed the bus, so you were late for work or school. Sucky, sure. But life goes on. Tomorrow, you won’t even remember it. Besides which, please consider how lucky you are to have a job, or to be enrolled in school. Consider the luxury of cheap public transportation. Life is pretty awesome; why are we getting hung up on the tiny little things that aren’t perfect?

Perspective also means where you focus your attention. Will you pay more attention to what goes wrong or what goes as planned? I'll tell you right now that pessimism is more common than optimism, and I think that's because it's easier. We have to go out of the way to notice when things DON'T go wrong, because it's less obvious than when everything blows up in our face. But if we can practice gratitude for life's little gifts and blessings, it can make a big difference in the way we perceive the world.


CHOICE

Think of it as a matter of dignity: the trivial things that happen to you every day DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT to make you unhappy. You deserve better. They can only make you unhappy IF YOU LET THEM. And it’s not always easy, but it just takes practice. Honest. When it comes to the self-discipline it takes to make this happen, I’m a firm believer in the difference between thoughts and emotions. Emotions are triggered by events: when the crate of eggs drops and they break all over the floor, our first emotional impulse will probably be anger or frustration. But it’s what comes NEXT that is crucial: how we will choose to perceive it.

Here’s the process:
1. Anger—arrrgh!! (This will happen, and it's natural. But the key is step 2...)
2. Deliberate thought—okay, I don’t need to let this ruin my day. In the grand scheme of things, this is so not a big deal.

By exercising our discipline by going through this kind of routine every day, we can literally train our minds to be able to skip that first negative emotion and go straight to the deliberate, disciplined thought.

Optimism can be learned. It’s a skill, and as such, some people are born with a knack for it, and the rest of us just have to work harder.

And that’s really the crux of the whole issue: If you’re not happy, you can work to become happy. There are plenty of things that have been demonstrated to help:

-TAKE ON a new perspective.

-PURSUE goals that you care about.

-ENGAGE in every area of your life; make it count.

-FOCUS on the good, rather than the bad.

-EXPRESS gratitude.

Notice that these are all action words. Nowhere is there anything about BEING a happier person, or BEING more optimistic. They’re not character traits that you either have or you don’t. Happiness is, as they say, the journey, and a journey is made up of each step you TAKE.

Here's one last thing I want to mention, and it may be more important than anything else: this is all meant to apply to our lives in times of uncontrollable misfortune. However, sometimes there are terrible things about our life we CAN control. If the answer to the question "Is there anything you can do about it?" is yes, then the next question is: "Why aren't you doing it?" I'm a believer in self-efficacy, as I have discussed in earlier blog posts. Sometimes it comes in the form of us choosing to be happy; sometimes it means we take our lives in hand and make the changes we need to make in order to BE happy. All we have to figure out is where we fall on that spectrum, and then do something about it.


These are just my half-baked thoughts on the subject. What I'm interested in, really, is hearing from miserable people. I want to know why these things might not work. Let's have a conversation about it.
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Here's some handy links if you're interested in Positive Psychology, which greatly inspired my thoughts in this post.

Authentic Happiness: The Official Website of Martin Seligman, the psychologist at the forefront of the Positive Psychology movement. This great website describes his theory, has helpful questionnaires and gives great tips for what it takes to be happy.

TED Talks: Martin Seligman on Positive Psychology: Hear it in his own words.

The Happiness Project: An extensive blog hosted by Psychology Today with a plethora of interesting ideas and theories regarding how to be happy.



Photo used with permission. Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/21556557@N06/2284840450/

Why I Love Psychology

I wrote the following essay as an entry for a $500 scholarship. The prompt was extremely open ended:

Requirements: Junior or Senior Stevenson College student
Majoring in Psychology and/or Legal Studies
Demonstrated academic excellence

Application: Submit a two-page statement explaining how you meet the scholarship requirements.
Include information regarding your background, interests, future plans and potential major(s).

So I basically wrote about why I love Psychology, what I've done with it so far, and what I hope to do with it in the future. I felt that this essay was blog-worthy, so here it is.

(Oh, and I also won the scholarship. :P)

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As a child, I spent a great deal of time traversing the roads of America with my parents. One of the primary consequences of such a hobby is getting to meet lots and lots of people.

There's a wide variety of interactions you can have while on the road. There are those people who are little more than nameless faces you catch a glimpse of from your car window. There are those you meet for thirty seconds, then never again. There are those who you have the chance to talk with just for a few minutes, and, though your time together was brief, they make a lasting impression on you. Then there are those who will gladly share their entire life's story if you have the endurance to listen for long enough.

I couldn't begin to count the people I've met in these twenty-one years. But even if I don't remember the vast majority of those individuals, the effect of having passed, ghost-like, through so many lives has been profound. Having gotten firsthand some idea of just how many people exist in this world made me determined to understand them better, to perceive that crowd as more than just a fast-moving blur. Then one day, I discovered Psychology, and things suddenly started clicking into place.

When I took my first Introduction to Psychology class, I knew I had stumbled across something amazing. It was unbelievable how much I found myself enjoying the material, never bored, always enthusiastic about learning more. Before I'd had no idea what I wanted my life to look like. But with Psychology, it was suddenly obvious what path I wanted to take.

I have spent the last four years immersed in the field of Psychology, which I think of as the study of people. To me, there is nothing more satisfying than to learn about the research behind the behavior I witness in myself and those around me every day. To begin to discover why we are the way we are seems like a miracle, like turning the lights on in a world which had, till then, been very dim.
At this point, I have found myself unexpectedly on the far side of my undergraduate career. When I made the realization that, soon, Psychology would mean more than taking notes and passing tests, I made the effort to throw myself headfirst into the field.

I started with research, connecting with my professors to find a place in their labs. I was intrigued at the idea of seeing Psychology in the making, as its academic minds attempted to solve the unsolved mysteries. I worked for five months as a Research Assistant, and was introduced to hot-off-the-press work that was being done in the field of Cognitive Psychology. I saw what life in the lab was really like, meeting with participants as I collected data. It was eye-opening, to be sure, getting a glimpse of the nuts and bolts behind what I'd been learning.

I went on to Teaching College Psychology, where I got the incredible opportunity to act as an Instructional Assistant to students in an Intro class. Together with the other IAs, we waded our way through the frightening new depths of imparting our knowledge to others. I led my own discussion section where we discussed and explored the material we had talked about in lecture. I encouraged the students to work with the curriculum on many different levels, so as to thoroughly absorb it, and in doing so, I was able to re-cement the knowledge as well.

Now, in my final year, I have embarked on the most rewarding and nerve-wracking journey yet: putting my knowledge to use out in the real world. I have begun an internship with Front Street, Inc, a local program that provides residential care for the mentally ill in the community. I have been given the chance to see the reality of a life in the mental health field, helping individuals to make the best of their difficult situations. Looking into the faces of the clients at these facilities, I can see the names behind the statistics, the humanity inherent-- but often hidden-- in the field. I am given a constant reminder that Psychology extends beyond textbooks and classrooms; it is working towards the daunting goal of providing care and relief for those who suffer mentally.

Post graduation, I am hoping to put my education to work as a Clinical Psychologist, working to both further current research and to help those who need it. I hope for the chance to, every day, have one-on-one conversations with other human beings as, together, we try to figure out what's wrong and what's right with us as people. I hope to get to meet some of the individuals in that nameless crowd I drove past as a child, to gain witness that we are all of us human, mixing our own distinctiveness into the world, making for a terrifying, confusing, and fascinating place to exist.

The Half-Full Glass that was Halfway Empty

Allow me to present a sort of a pickle I'm in.

I've believed for a long time that optimism is strictly more beneficial than pessimism. Assuming that you're not sacrificing realism, of course, it seems self-evident to me that we will be happier, stronger people if we try to adopt positive outlooks. Extrapolating on this view, I can see no advantage to anger, or holding grudges, or dwelling on misfortune-- what does it gain us to allow things in our lives to make us unhappy?

For this reason, I tend to argue that, given the option to stew over irritation at people we don't like, or an issue we wish we could escape, it will always be better to just let it go. Let it roll off your back-- like a duck, as my sixth grade teacher once told me.

I also believe that negativity often works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are convinced that things are going to go wrong, or that you're going to have a terrible day, it is much more likely to be true. Focusing on the bad in the world makes it all the more apparent, until it truly does seem that that's all there is to see.

But here's the truth. I'm also incredibly cynical. Sometimes I can't help it, it just happens. The difference is, I don't like being cynical, so being optimistic takes an effort. But this weird disparity means I'm having a hard time approaching the question analytically. Like I said, the logic of optimism seems self-evident to me. But why is it bad to be angry and cynical? After all, the world isn't always rainbows and muffins. So optimists are going to experience more disappointment as compared to pessimists. Besides, negativity doesn't actually harm us, does it? If anything, it makes us more resilient to the terrible things that will inevitably happen, because we won't be caught completely off guard when fate decides to have a laugh at us. We will have seen it coming.

But that doesn't sound right to me either! I think negativity does weaken us, but I'm not at all sure why. Optimists, help me out. What are the concrete benefits to looking on the bright side of life? Pessimists, argue with me. Is being prepared for the worst worth the cost of viewing the world as even more of a dark, miserable place than it actually is?

Some food for thought:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
-The Buddha

"A pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events."
-Robert A Heinlein

"I was thinking that it might do some good if we robbed the cynics, and took all their food. That way, what they believe will have taken place, and we'll give it to everybody who has some faith."
-Jewel

Say Something Nice

One of the best cures for a crappy day is an unexpected compliment. True?

Just think of those absolutely dreary, miserable, I-just-want-to-go-back-to-bed days, when, out of the blue, somebody drops one of those really great, really meaningful compliments that make you grin and blush like an idiot (though that may just be me). It gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, like drinking cocoa on a wintry day, snuggled up in a soft quilt with a kitty. Warmth in a blizzard, that's what a compliment can be like.

There's something so gratifying about being recognized, especially when you had no idea that people had noticed. Like when you have that talent that you're secretly very proud of, but are too shy to brag about, and then someone says "Hey, you're really pretty great at that." Is that not just a fantastic feeling?

Things like that stick with you. Here's an example: there is a certain acquaintance of mine of whom I have always been more than a little intimidated. He ranks high on my list of people with whom I know I will never be able to compete intellectually. Then one day, a couple of years ago, this person mentioned in passing that he considered me exceptionally intelligent, and said that I was actually a role model of his.

Imagine my shock. Now that's a paradigm shift if ever there was one.

Try to think about all the times you have thoughts like that about other people. There's that person with a really flattering blouse, or truly amazing shoes. The person who has something really insightful to say, that really makes you think. There's the people you deeply admire, or people who impress you with their abilities. Stuff like this crosses our mind all day.

Now the crucial question is: how often do you voice those thoughts?

I think it might be a little taboo to be so complimentary of others. It may come across as creepy or sycophantic, and we don't want to come on too strong. Or maybe we think they wouldn't really care, so we might as well just keep it to ourselves. Or sometimes when we see something we admire about someone, we assume they have probably heard about it a thousand times before, so we don't need to say anything.

But how often is that really true for ourselves? I know that I am grateful for every single compliment I receive. I know that their decision to voice their comment was probably a complete toss-up, and I feel very lucky that they happened to decide to say something.

What I'm trying to say is that we should speak up more often. Voice the little compliments, because they might not be so little to the person you're speaking to. Voice the big ones, because the more important those comments are to you, the more important they're likely to be to the person you think them about.

Compliment strangers; those comments often mean more because you could have walked by and said nothing, but instead you thought it was important enough to let them know you noticed something great about them. Compliment your friends; it's easy to neglect those we spend a lot of time around; always let them know that you see their talents and accomplishments. Compliment your loved ones; communicating and demonstrating appreciation will make our most important relationships stronger.

For those of you who are completely disgusted by the fact that my blog post has turned into a bit of a Kumbaya circle, you can also take a cost-benefit approach. You risk very, very little by making these sorts of comments. At the worst, they're a little weirded out, and then they move on with their life. At best… well, honestly, I believe the potential gain is immeasurable.

Whatever way you look at it, it can only do good. So next time you happen to notice something cool about someone else… do them a favor, and let them know.

☺

Joy in Sorrow

Ender’s Game is possibly my favorite book of all time. Every time I read it I experience something profound, something somehow earth-shattering. It’s not about the outstanding quality of writing and character development (although those don’t hurt, either); it’s the tragedy. The story this book tells is heartbreaking; for it to have happened, even in fiction, leaves you feeling sick in your soul. But it was powerful enough to touch your soul in the first place.

The magic of those tragedies make a story stick with us, get it under our skin so we cannot forget. We seem to be drawn to things like this. Why is that?

Perhaps what is so alluring is the feeling of reckless abandon, of being overpowered by sorrow. A friend of mine once told me that sometimes she just enjoys “wallowing” in it, just allowing herself to feel the sheer force of it. This is something that I can almost understand; we so often shy away from feeling sad to keep up with the expectations of others and ourselves, so that to allow ourselves to freely experience it may be in some way liberating.

But I think it’s more than that. When I was caught up in depression in a bad way, I found a certain thought continuing to crop up in my mind: that I was choosing to be sad all the time. That all of my actions were inexplicably—but deliberately— hurtling into the depressive episodes. It felt like an addiction. Like this thing was damaging my life, but I needed a hit anyway. When we read a sad story or see a sad movie, we are safe from the events that occur. So we are safe to feel sad, so we enjoy it that much more. But, in our own lives and experiences, we are finding ways to enjoy it that are just a little more dangerous.

Why could this be? What pleasure could we find in sorrow? Perhaps It’s the power and intensity of the feeling. Perhaps an emotional low can be just as exciting as an emotional high. The chemicals surge through our brain, eliciting this incredible sensation of misery. How amazing! How enrapturing. How very, inescapably human we are, to feel this emotion that can enfold us in its long arms and carry us into that dark, forbidden place of our own minds. How incredible it is to be alive.


What do you all think? Am I totally off the mark here? Am I just weird and masochistic? Please share your thoughts and experience.

It's Your Funeral

Imagine…

You are dead. Your life is over, there is no more work to be done, and now everything about you is past-tense. There is nothing left to the concept of “You” but what exists in others’ memories. If you have ever left a negative impression on someone, you have no chance to redeem yourself. You have hit “send” on the manuscript of your life, and it has been submitted to the editor for critique.

How would you like to be described at your funeral?

Some funerals have pastors officiating, where they read off a one-size-fits-all description of a generic decent person’s life. Some are sparsely attended, and people struggle for profound things to say about a person who really wasn’t all that profound.

Others (these are the really memorable, awe-inspiring ones) have people crowded, standing-room only in the back, waiting in a line to get up and say what a truly amazing person this was. Stories and tears flow freely as loved ones paint a picture of an individual who will live forever as a saint or a hero.

There are those people who live their whole lives to serve others, and the ones who knew them best will swear up and down that there wasn’t a selfish bone in their body. There are those who touch many, many lives, inspiring them to be the best they can be, demonstrating a life’s full potential. There are those who are the matriarchs or patriarchs of ginormous families, helping bind them together in strength and love, leaving an ongoing legacy that will never die.

It’s a question I’m asking myself these days: how do I want to be remembered?

Remember that memories erode, and eventually all that will be left of you is an abridged version, with just the most important/memorable stuff. So it’s something to ponder as the days flow past us, unceasingly… what are we doing with our time here? What will our Greatest Hits CD sound like? Any given morning you wake up, you could start composing a new song for it. You could do something huge and amazing, or start down some new path that will change things forever. All that it takes is a decision to make it happen.

I think that many (most?) of us tend to live without real purpose or direction, making decisions that are arbitrary or short-sighted. To live deliberately means to live with a big-picture sort of mindset, acting based on long-term reasoning, keeping always in mind what sort of life we want to live.

It’s so easy to just exist. It’s another thing entirely to live a life you’ll want to be remembered by.

Terrified

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance..."
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared."
-- Edward Vernon Rickenbacker


Judgment.

Commitment.

Intimacy.

Rejection.

Aloneness.

Inadequacy.

Failure.

I don't believe there is a person alive who does not experience fear. I would go so far as to say that fear is a fundamental, inescapable part of humanity. We all have our own underlying objects of terror that haunt us from the moment we wake up every morning and approach the world.

We are afraid of each other. We are afraid of ourselves. We are afraid of the world, of the future, of the past, of the present. We are afraid of misery, and we are afraid of joy.

I have this hunch that we are motivated by fear in almost everything that we do. Underlying our logical, unembarrassing reasons for the decisions we make, is a deep and pervasive terror. We choose a well-paying, soul-sucking profession because we are afraid of poverty. We stay in an unhappy relationship because we are afraid of dying alone. We present ourselves as being confident and together because we are afraid of letting others see the flawed beings we truly are.

I began this post with the FDR quote because I think it basically represents the common opinion of fear as weakness, as something to be avoided at all costs. However, as I recently started reflecting on my own intense fears, and consciously thinking about how they are motivating me to act-- or not to act-- I started wondering if fear really is the enemy.

In some cases, fear can drive us towards unconscionable acts, for instance if one is threatened or blackmailed. Other times, fear can make us cowards, keeping us from doing the hard stuff that we have to. So you won't hear me arguing that fear doesn't have the potential to hold us back.

But if you think about it from a different perspective, fear can motivate us towards incredible growth. Fear can inspire us to jump-start our lives or careers, to avoid the misery or futility of the future. Fear can clue us in to our sources of weakness and anxiety, so we can strive to conquer them.

Let me give an example: I accepted an internship for this fall working at a Residential Care Facility, where the main population will be schizophrenic patients who are unable to care for themselves. This idea terrifies me. And that is precisely why I chose it-- if I am interested in clinical psychology (which I am), the discomfort I have with working with the mentally ill is going to be a major obstacle, to say the least. So I first had to acknowledge that I was afraid. Knowing this gave me the chance to reflect and realize that I didn't have to let my fear control my actions. So I took the plunge (reactions to actually working in this internship forthcoming).

Fear, like pain and sorrow, lets us know that we are human. By analyzing what we're afraid of, we can come closer to understanding why we are the way we are, which is, I believe, one of the greatest mysteries an individual can face. Moreover, if we can pinpoint our deepest fears and determine whether they're prompting us for good or for ill, it can allow us to be more conscious agents, which is crucial.

One of the most empowering things we can come to believe is that there's nothing wrong with feeling afraid. Fear does not make you a coward. On the contrary; it gives you the opportunity to have courage.

The Paradox of "Knowing"

In my exploration of different therapies to treat depression, right away, I figured out the main problem. We live based on what our brains tell us. This is usually adaptive, as we receive input from stimuli, and act according to our brain's interpretation. But what happens when our brain is just wrong? How can we know the difference? Wandering through a library crammed with untapped knowledge, looking up at an incomprehensibly vast starry sky, hearing tales of lives completely unlike our own... it's not difficult to see evidence of how little we really know. Besides which, as little as 10 weeks of studying Intro Cognitive Psych will tell you that our brains are disturbingly fallible, even if you DON'T have a mental disorder. Predictably, it's much worse when your neural chemicals are going haywire and you're believing all sorts of awful things. But it goes against our most basic instincts to operate outside of what our brain tells us. We are not built to do this. If we can't trust our own brains, we may become basically incapacitated. But I think too much trust in our brains can lead to just as much trouble.

I observed at some point that when we were children, we were significantly less settled in our worldview, meaning we were more likely to believe what we were told. However, as we grow, we develop a repertoire of what we think we know, and orient our brains around it. As an example, when I was a young child, some kid tried to convince me that you could summon a ghoul called Bloody Mary by saying her name three times in front of a mirror. Although even at that age, I knew it was unlikely, part of me still thought it could be true, and I was super freaked out. But now, I look back with a bizarre fondness for a time when I could believe something so fantastical, when I could be frightened by something so silly. It makes me wonder, what other amazing, incredible things were we able to believe back then, but no longer can today? We dismiss things like that out of hand as being unrealistic, but we do so mostly because it doesn't fit into our worldview. What if we're limiting ourselves by trusting our imperfect knowledge?

We assimilate information based on what we already believe. And if you think about this, it really is kind of a broken system. How can we increase our awareness and understanding about the world if we're only retaining the information that makes sense with what we already know-- which is incomplete-- and dismissing the rest? This explains why people are often so resistant to accepting new ideas. We are utterly disempowered without our reservoir of knowledge, and yet, on the other hand, I'm thinking we rely on it too heavily. With imperfect knowledge from which we refuse to deviate, how can we grow? As they say, the wisest thing you can realize is that you know nothing. So perhaps it is only when we find the ability to reject what we once believed to be true-- a mighty feat unto itself-- that we can actually gain new and innovative insight.

Thoughts?

Capturing the Now

I've been thinking recently about a certain irony: we spend so much of our time capturing memories that, in some cases, we may fail to create those memories. Take vacations or parties for example. Many of us spend the entire time with a camera in hand, catching each moment as it comes. Sometimes we manufacture moments for the camera, contrived situations that do not reflect reality, but make for pleasant memories. But most importantly, rather than relishing the moment itself, and throwing ourselves with wild abandon into happiness, we constantly concern ourselves with making sure that it can be recorded properly. Why do we do this?

Personally, I fall into that category of those who are more or less obsessed with documenting everything. I find that, without keeping records of what happened, I can forget entire days, weeks, periods of my life. I can forget entire vacations, entire relationships, entire epiphanies, entire moments of pure bliss. And once they are forgotten, they are lost forever to the erosion of time. But I can't help but wonder, is this focus on record-keeping counter-productive? It's really very similar to the old debate of whether to live for the present or the future. Do we invest our time and money so as to enjoy their fruits later? Or do we not put off joy, choosing instead to pour ourselves into the here and now? What if all the effort we put into preserving for the future was put instead into living each moment to its fullest potential? Would we be happier? Would we have more moments to look back on fondly, adding color and light to the story of our past?

We have such an intense desire to preserve the present so we can enjoy it in the future. But what does it mean if we're trying so hard to capture it, that we end up letting it pass us by?

Maybe We Can Cure Depression All By Ourselves

The Medical Model and Why We Should Question It
Antidepressants. They're prescribed all over the place. They can even be prescribed by your local General Practitioner (i.e. someone not trained in psychiatry or psychology). They're basically what this generation is hailing as the "solution" to this rising epidemic. And this conclusion rides on the Medical Model of Depression: the premise that depression is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain (a serotonin deficiency).

Most of us out there are just kind of assuming this to be correct. As I've mentioned, I take a Zoloft every morning myself. But recently a dangerous question has been posed: what if chemicals aren't really the culprit?

It's the question that plagued me in the throes of my depression: can I chalk this up to something that's out of my control, or... could it be my own fault? As you may predict, the notion that I was to blame for my disorder was frightening, demoralizing, and exhausting. For a long time, I clung to the belief that it was a chemical problem, suggesting an easy fix. "Magic pill = feel better".

New research is actually indicating that the Medical Model of Depression-- which we have thrown ourselves into headfirst-- is not as well substantiated as previously supposed. It turns out that these magic pills aren't significantly more effective than placebos. You've heard of the placebo effect: it's the notion that if we believe that something will work, it will work. It looks like that might be what's happening here: these pills designed to increase the serotonin in our brain-- thereby supposedly reducing the depressive symptoms-- are not working much better than sugar pills.

(Please visit this article for more information on this particular placebo effect, and this book review to sum up some of the arguments against the Medical Model.)

Could it be that simply believing we have the power to pull ourselves out of our sadness could be all we need?

As I described in my previous blog post on the subject of depression, part of the biggest problem is that we feel weak and helpless to make any changes. But it's a case of the chicken or the egg-- we are assuming that we feel powerless because we are depressed. But isn't it just as plausible that we are depressed because we feel powerless?

I have pondered this and come up with my own take on what exactly this process looks like. Much in the style of Aaron Beck (all around important guy in depression research), I have crafted my take on this in the form of a triad, which I am calling the Efficacy Triad.

Here's how I define efficacy: our ability to accomplish what we set out to do. It is regulated by our relationship with ourselves.



What we require to possess efficacy is 1.) Self Discipline, or the ability to prioritize our needs and our wants in a healthy way, and then direct our behavior accordingly, 2.) Self Esteem, a true love and appreciation for ourselves, as well as a healthy understanding of our strengths (weaknesses too, but that is really a given in depressed people), and 3.) Self Confidence, or the belief that we can accomplish what we set out to do. It's the perception that we are strong, capable agents in our own lives. These three areas all affect one another, and so lacking one will often lead to a lack the others as well. When these deficits become severe enough, they may result in depression.

Basically, we become depressed when we have this poor relationship with ourselves, leading to a lack in efficacy, meaning we are no longer effective individuals in our lives. And isn't this, in a nutshell, what depression is? The inevitable despondence that comes with a poor self-image, resulting in no longer being able to function well, leading to further lowering of our self image.

That's my theory. So why does it happen? I have a few answers.

I think-- particularly in America-- there exists a sense of entitlement. Written into the core of the "American Dream" is the notion that we can accomplish anything, and, moreover, that we deserve to accomplish everything. If we are thoroughly enough imbued with this philosophy, imagine the existential crisis we face when we fail. Not only will we feel profoundly disempowered, but worthless on top of that, because obviously if we can't have the exact kind of life we want, we must not be deserving of it. There's a host of philosophical implications in this progression that I won't get into now, but it's well worth some pondering.

Another way of conceptualizing it is actually rather Freudian: consider the expectations we have regarding what we "should" be like. Now picture what we tend to actually be like. When an individual is forced to internalize both of these concepts, they may be faced with a terrible psychological conflict. We have to struggle to reconcile the disparity, because it creates a dissonance that is psychologically uncomfortable. When we fail to reconcile it, however, we may be faced with depression.

So, how on earth can we treat this?

I believe that, since the depression was caused by a lack of efficacy, it can be reduced by bolstering the efficacy one possesses. Makes sense, right? So what does this look like? Well, predictably enough, each of the three parts of the triad need to be addressed to ensure a strong sense of efficacy.

Self Discipline has been often conceptualized as a muscle-- it can be trained. In practicing control over our negative thoughts and impulses, we can build up the power to have control in other areas of our life.

We can increase our Self Esteem by making a daily emphasis in our minds of our strengths, rather than our weaknesses. We can spend time developing our existing skills. We can interact with loved ones who will love and support us, and help remind us of what's good about ourselves.

Finally, we can increase our Self Confidence by putting all of these things into practice and starting to see change wrought in our lives. As we watch ourselves progress and move beyond our disorder, we will most likely begin to feel as though we have power over our lives, and the ability to change our own emotional fate.


This is why I believe embracing a model of depression which emphasizes our own responsibility for our difficulties is actually the perfect way of addressing the problem. While it acknowledges how our failings can cause trouble, it also highlights and power to bring about real, tangible improvements for ourselves, which is exactly what we need to get better. We need faith in ourselves as people and as free agents, not slaves to our imperfect minds and bodies.

So I never got to some of the things I wanted to address-- notably, depression as addiction. But honestly, I think the little dissertation I've composed here is more than enough for one blog post. If you have the patience to conquer this monster of a post, please tell me what you think! My experience is rather limited, and I am curious to know whether anybody else sees truth in these theories. What do you think?

Thoughts for a Monday Morning

Here’s my question on this Monday morning: why do so many of us hate our jobs? Is it an element of discontentment inherent to humanity? Or is it that the jobs are truly miserable—in which case, why aren’t we more inclined to pursue a career we really want?

Which is it: are humans disposed towards misery, or disposed towards willful slavery? So many people drag themselves out of bed every morning to go sit behind a desk, or cater to rude customers, or in some other way undermine their own dignity.

We seem to be choosing jobs on the basis of necessity and obligation. But could it be possible to rewire the way we approach our day-jobs, so that rather than a miserable chore we had to complete every day, it was an honorable responsibility through which we find inherent satisfaction? What kind of world would it be where people wanted to be tax lawyers? Or wanted to be custodians? Or wanted to be waitresses? I’m not sure whether a world like that would look socialist, Buddhist, or like a Borg collective. Or none of the above. But the point is, what if each of us really loved our careers—and, by some miracle, the world still turned?

“Don’t confuse your career with your life”.

I read that quote earlier this week. Although it’s an important mantra in a world where we are struggling to retain a sense of dignity in undignified jobs, I wish it weren’t necessary. If we could feel as though we had, fully conscious and purposefully, entered our line of work, and we did it because we wanted to—would we feel fulfilled by the same careers that are now making us miserable?

Just some random thoughts. This is a prelude to my (hopefully) upcoming blog posts on the subjects of depression and efficacy… could we escape chronic sadness and discontentment if we felt more powerful in our lives? I say yes.

In the meantime, if you have any insight to share, I'd be interested to get some of these questions answered!

The Insidious Face of Depression

One of my main interests in psychology is, at the moment, depression. This wasn't the case until recently, when I was finally told that I had it. All of a sudden, this "common cold" of mental disorders that I had been learning about for years, which never really interested me before, turned into the issue I devoted all my energy into understanding.

Depression is deceptive in its simplicity. At first blush, it is someone being unhappy for a long time. The predictable consequences of this are lethargy and lack of motivation, meaning the person is doing less in their lives that might make them happy. Therefore, they continue being unhappy. Bam-- you have a case of depression!

But when you delve deeper, you begin to see how treating it can look like beating your head against a brick wall, with, understandably, few results other than "Now my head hurts". In other words, one of the aspects of depression that makes it particularly dangerous is its self-perpetuation, even when we are trying to address it. In many ways, working towards "fixing" depression can actually worsen the depressive symptoms.

The core of depression is, I would argue, in the rumination: the tendency to chase negative thoughts round and round in your head, until they seem worse and worse, and impervious to solution. All of the time you spend telling yourself "I am intelligent and I don't have to be beaten by my depression" serves only to feed into the misery you feel when you are, in fact, beaten by your depression.

To put a real face on this issue, let me describe what happened with myself: I spent months and months making mental lists of all the reasons I was miserable. It was isolation at work, it was family drama, it was relationship drama, it was my social failures, it was my lack of academic motivation, it was my lack of self esteem, it was my lack of life direction... the list literally seemed to never end. I attempted to address each of these, but found myself unable to bring about any major changes, until eventually I could add "inability to make progress" to my list. No amount of thinking about these issues could do any good, because my depression was serving as a barrier between myself and personal improvement.

Have you ever had a depressed friend? Based on the statistics, we all probably have at one point, whether we knew it or not (research is showing that close to 40% of the population will experience significant depression at some point in their lives, even if they are never diagnosed). I can absolutely sympathize with the frustration that I'm sure many people feel when faced with someone going through depression. I believe there is a formulaic process that a bystander of depression tends to undergo: first, compassion and sympathy, feeling genuinely sorry for them that they are going through such a tough time. Next, attempts to help, and improve their situation, reminding them of things to be happy about, trying to please them however possible. Next, the inevitable irritation when none of the efforts are successful. You start thinking that the person is doing it to themselves, and just refusing to be happy. Finally, you start to resent them for being so dramatic and stubborn, and find yourself less able to feel that initial compassion/sympathy for them in any subsequent episodes they may go through.

Does this sound familiar? I know I've gone through this, myself. It wasn't until I, myself, became depressed that I started to understand how little sense this makes. No amount of telling someone to "snap out of it" will do any good, no matter how much we think it should work. When I was in a deep depression, feeling unable to be truly happy, and unresponsive to any logical reasons to cheer up, I finally got it. It's not something you can wish away, and it feels impossible to pull yourself out of-- particularly given depression's tendency rob us of energy and motivation, leaving us feeling utterly disabled by inertia! For this reason, it's a double whammy, which is why depression has some mysterious element of stability that makes it so resistant to change.

My own story with depression, at this point, has a happy ending, for which I am incredibly grateful. It was a painstaking process, however: when attempts to reason my way out of it failed, I turned to therapy. When therapy failed (I call seeing five different therapists with no improvement failure), I finally turned to medication. And, either because I really did have a serotonin deficiency or because the placebo effect is awesome, I felt substantially better after two weeks. I felt like myself again. I went to my therapist one more time after that, found that re-starting the process of examining my misery was only making me miserable again, and told her goodbye and thank you. I am still on my meds, and I suppose will eventually have to see what life is like without them. But I have a lot more faith in my ability to cope now that I have been pulled out of the pit.

However, I know that my story is actually rather uncommon. Many people continue to struggle with their depression, finding no help in therapy or medication. Which is why, in a forthcoming post, I would like to discuss some of the more philosophical aspects of depression: what is it, really? Why does it happen? Why are depression rates rising beyond anything we've ever seen before? Is depression unique to humans, and why? In addition, I will explain my new theory of depression as a form of addiction. Stay tuned!

Until then, please share with me your experiences, either as a victim or bystander of depression, or just someone who is interested in the topic. What do you all think about this issue?

If you're more interested in this topic, this blogger lays out the issues of depression much more clearly than I do. And be sure to check out this blog in particular if you're interested in the pitfalls of trying to think yourself out of depression.

Sanity's Madness: An Introduction

I am a firm believer in natural selection. Through this logical mechanism, a species can grow and improve, as they develop only those traits and behaviors which help them to a.) not die, and b.) have babies. Thereby, a species can thrive as its weaker links are weeded out. It is for this reason (among others) that I am so utterly mystified by human beings.

Humans do not obey the laws of natural selection—they are able to defy their survival instinct at will. Consider the thrill seekers, jumping off of mountains, out of planes, deliberately putting their lives in jeopardy despite the obvious risk. And for what? An adrenaline rush. Consider those who put dangerous substances into their body for a short term pleasure, numbness, or euphoria. Who, usually well aware of the danger, begin using, no matter the long-term consequences. Consider those who fall into one unhealthy relationship after another, seeking those who may bring them temporary satisfaction or psychological security, at the cost of their safety, freedom, or happiness. Consider those who deliberately end their lives, doing the ultimate in ignoring their inborn survival instinct.

Despite all our purported superiority, we humans seem to fall short on that evolutionary necessity. We are able to flout natural selection and allow our dysfunction to persist in the species, thereby allowing humanity to become increasingly diluted with its own irrationality. So my question is, how on earth are we getting by? How are we surviving our own self-destruction?

Maybe, as a college student, I’ve been exposed to a nonrepresentative sample, but in my experience, people are generally pretty messed up. I believe the individual who is genuinely psychologically healthy is a rare specimen indeed. We all enter the real world laden with years and years of baggage, carrying with us every remotely traumatic experience we ever had to live through. It’s little wonder therapists make bank doing what they do! But the thing to keep in mind is that our issues are what make us interesting. They make us fascinating, freakish creatures of mystery. It is this very freakishness that makes for the best sorts of dialectical exploration. Those late-night conversations in which you may arrive at some personal epiphany about how the world works, or, better, how you work— those can be truly mind-blowing.

Four years into studying psychology has, disappointingly, yielded little of this discussion; it’s usually less a matter of theorizing and more a matter of studying what has already been theorized. For this reason, I’d like this blog to be something of a social experiment: I would like to introduce a topic, give a lengthy spiel on my take on it, and open it up for discussion. I want to be disagreed with. I want to be challenged. I want to engender a deeper understanding in all of us as to what really makes humanity tick. So let’s have a conversation. And maybe we’ll have some fun epiphanies along the way.